Personal goals.

Almost a year ago I quit smoking. I didn't plan on it, it just happened that one day I had too many cigarettes . Had enough for a while. And before I knew it May had turned into June had turned into July and i still had had enough. So during the course of the summer and early fall I gave myself permission to do what it takes to make sure I truly quit.  That included putting on a few pounds along the way. As the new year was approaching I attempted to reverse that direction on the scale. 
In 1998 I started a to year journey from 250 pounds down to 150 pounds. The first 50 came off in a very active summer. Any other 50 came off steadily over 18 months. The last 25 should not have come off. I got carried away another very active summer. So this time I was hesitant to be aggressive about weight loss. And I was also very unsuccessful at being mild about weight loss this time. So I asked my doctor for assistance and enrolled in a program to help me healthily get back to where I need to be in a healthy and controlled emvironment.
I have experienced many issues with weight control on the positive and negative side in my life. What has always risenn to the top of the list of what I really want is my need to do the activities that I want to do and to be and eat healthy. I look forward to each meal now knowing that it is fuel for my goal and not a crutch or a punishment.
Last summer I directed a wonderful rock musical with my students about a family trying to survive an eating disorder and what that stress can do to an individual. In the talkbacks and in our discussions we talked about the notion of how we compliment  each other. We tend to complement the physical and visual appearance. So it is not a mystery why we place so much on our physical appearance. So much effort, so much importance, so much shame. One of the counselors that worked with us talked about trying to challenge ourselves each day by complementing other people on things that do not have to do with the visual or physical appearance. I had forgotten that until just while writing this blog. I know that I personally don't have have a size or a look that I'm going for and that in my life I have been loved in all of my sizes in many different ways and whatever size I am has never mattered but I can't help but be pleased by other people enjoying my appearance and I can't help but want to please other people with my appearance and that has always been something that saddens me. As I look toward the next few months I am hopeful that I will actively remember that beauty is so much deeper than the surface and that I am on this mission to be able to do the activities that I want to do and to be and eat healthy.